BLOOBIE™

Known for its fun-loving and viscous mascot, BLOOBIE, the popular toy line has been recalled after more than six-hundred children throughout the city have reportedly suffered adverse reactions to the slime in the last month. Eight-thousand pounds of BLOOBIE has been recalled so far, and the Gravity City Administration of Disease Control urges anyone with a BLOOBIE to turn the slime over to the AODC immediately.

“It smelled like something had died in the box when I opened it, to tell you the truth,” a distraught Daphne Strum claimed after she had bought the slime for her son on his birthday. “I don’t even know how they’re allowed to sell this stuff to children. It should be taken off the market immediately!” While it has been a mystery as to what exactly BLOOBIE is made of, Mrs. Strum claims to have found unidentifiable meaty bits floating around in the muculent goop. “I was shocked. At first, it looked like pieces of a small, chewed-up animal, to be honest. Then, I was certain that it was pieces of a small, chewed-up animal—like a mouse, or something. There was hair, too, that's how I knew.,” she added. “It was revolting. Ever since I brought it into the house, my tongue and my toes haven’t stopped tingling.” After a somber pause, she asked, “Mind if I ask you a question? Do you smell gasoline or... metal right now?”

A father of two young children also shared his heartbreaking story with us at the toy factory protest yesterday. “I threw the damn thing right out in the trash after it gave my daughter the nuclear shits. I’m talkin’ code red, mach-level-four shits here, a’right. It hasn't stopped!” Bobby Jeter, a union worker, said, visibly frustrated. “The damn dog won’t stop barking at the back door, my wife’s having a meltdown, my kids are shittin’ buckets, is what I’m trying to tell you. I don’t know what more I can do about it. You try to do something nice for your wife and kids, and what do you get? You end up bringing the g’damn plague into your home, and all of a sudden you’re the bad guy, you're not a good father, you're not a good husband, you can't hold on to a job, yadda-yadda. I’m not the bad guy here. Those loafheads at the toy company, they’re the bad guys for selling this poison to my children. How is this my problem? That’s why I'm going to get a lawyer and I'm going to sue the pants off those corporate ball-gaggers . I don’t need this shit in my life. I didn’t stop drinking just so I can have all this aggravation and stand out here all day.”

One can speculate whether the Gravity City Toy Factory simply goofed up a batch of BLOOBIE or if a nefarious scheme is truly at hand here. Ever since the city cut back on manufacturing jobs, perhaps, quality-control has taken a dive headlong into the gutters. Gravity City News investigates!

While the Gravity City Toy Company declined to comment, toxicologist, Dr. [redacted] had this to say about BLOOBIE. “Well, it’s hard to say, really. While I have found the basic modeling compounds, such as polymer-silicone, synthetic rubber, retro-gradation inhibitors, alkaline, animal fat, and artificial grape flavor extract in BLOOBIE, I have also found traces of adipose tissue (human fat), battery acid, rat poison, aluminum powder, and anti-freeze in several of the various samples. This is a very toxic composition, and I can assure you that it will make anyone who comes into contact with it very ill—or strangely enough, they may even develop an addiction to it. How do I put this? BLOOBIE is essentially one step away from a street drug . Also, because of the slime’s lack of pliability and monopholostate, it will eventually break back down into a liquid and become harder to contain. It’s safe to say that BLOOBIE is a sticky situation. I jest. No, yeah, this is bad.”

“Eh, what are you going to do?” a spokesperson for the Well-Being and Welfare Bureau shrugged dismissively when asked about the matter earlier today. “These things happen all the time, right? If you sounded the alarm every time the food or water supply's been contaminated, or you had some sort of Patient Zero running loose, you’d bring the city to pieces with panic. Some things are just better left to the authorities, not the busybodies.”

We will keep you updated on the BLOOBIE™ outbreak.

Bloobie